Decisions and Faith

I am having to go on faith these days, and it's definitely been interesting. There are so many decisions to be made around losing my job that I do not know where to begin. Should we keep our Vermont house? Rent it? Sell it? Pay off the mortgage? Should I look for jobs, or try to take a year off? Since I was doing exactly what I wanted to do, how do I go about finding a new way to be happy and bring meaning into my life?

I am inclined towards the point of view of my ex-MIL Jane, who says that I am not in charge of this, and that I need to trust it to God and wait for the miracles. Deane has much the same attitude, minus the G-word, believing that I can somehow make a life and a living out of a hobby business. "Look! You made $100 in the last three days without even trying!" I do the math -- minus 2/3 for expenses...that's a little over $1 per hour for me, if I thought of this as full-time work.

I try not to do math in my head, as it inevitably ends up at less than zero before I even come close to the end of the expenses. Still, I want to believe Deane and Jane, and in a benevolent force working in my life. I certainly feel better when I do, and in some ways, that is the best possible outcome -- feeling better in this moment that is all that we have.

I try very hard to remember that in my insomniac moments. On one of those nights I got up just to peek at the job market online. I found a job at Empire State College for which I am perfectly qualified, for exactly my salary now. The only problem -- I don't think I'd enjoy it. But I'd have benefits. But I lose the flexibility that has allowed me to keep up, to some extent, with Deane, flexibility he'd like me to have more of, as he's made clear in one of the more wonderful and surprising developments of this drama. What to do?

I guess I'll just keep walking forward in faith, probably apply for the Empire State job with 500 other out-of-work academic types, maybe buy a kiln to add PMC to my jewelry business, but maybe end up taking an unemployment vacation in the end after all. I just don't know, and I think that might be the most important thing for me to keep in mind. I just don't know what the future holds, and if my experience holds true, I can't even imagine what it will bring.