10/30/08 -- Blindness, Sight and Choice: The Week before the Election

I read an article this morning about the psychic effects of 8 years of conservatives running the country. In short, the article said that we have been systematically driven to be less than we are capable of -- away from compassion, love, generosity, confidence, into darker realms of fear, prejudice, division, and so on. We've all been living through it, trying to hold onto our humanity, so you know what I mean. Deane and I have an ongoing debate about our true natures: He sees the true nature of people as infinite love; I see the true nature of people as infinitely malleable, with lots of choice.

I have been thinking about choice a lot lately, as I choose minute by minute to turn away from depression and anxiety, my faithful sidekicks, and towards contentment and joy. It took me a long time to figure out that I had that choice, and to practice enough that it began to pay off in my life. I try to go back and figure out what allowed me to make the choices I have, particularly around blame and resentment, and to let go of those parts of myself, minute by minute, remember, that are vindictive, judgmental, angry and which could take me down the spiral towards despair in a heartbeat.

I think it mostly has to do with the fact that I hate pain, and spent enough time in Al-Anon to have that little mustard seed of belief that I could chose my emotional path. I am thinking of this a lot these days, as I've been in touch with an old friend who is obsessed with resentment and revisiting the past in ways that give full rein to the dark side of her nature, which is very, very dark indeed. I listen to the litany of woes and abuse, none of which are either true or false, but rather reside in that gray area where perception determines truth. It's very hard going for me, but my own past, and the people who have helped me see a different way, keep me engaged.

I am reminded of the book Testimony of the Light, the product of a lifelong connection between two nuns. One died, and sent channeled reports about the afterlife to the other. In this afterlife, there was a purgatory of sorts, where people lived, not because they had done anything wrong, but because they could not believe that they could choose to be in heaven. So souls who had gone towards the light acted as missionaries, trying to persuade people to "Look, just over there -- there's another world." I think about that a lot, in relation to my friend, but also in relation to the world at large. I have been, in some sense, saved -- through my own efforts as much as through some mystical intervention. I want to bring some people with me, because just as I didn't know, wasn't willing, they don't know, can't believe, that there is a different way of living , and freedom from the relentless pain that is also a choice.